An Anglo-Saxon guide to French celebrities
Have you ever wondered who the gurning faces are that beam at you from the covers of magazines while you wait in line in the supermarché? You know, once you finished looking at the chewing gum and judging the contents of person-in-front’s shopping basket. Wonder no more, the answers await.
REALITY TV STARS
I remember naively thinking that France wouldn’t have reality TV because French people were too – I don’t know, sophisticated. I knew nothing. The French public are as enraptured by the antics of coiffed and tattooed imbeciles are the Brits are. Here’s the proof.
L-R: Nabilla, Ayem Nour, Capucine Anav, Les Ch’tis vs Les Marseillais. See below for photo credits.
Nabilla Benattia – France’s discount-version Kim Kardashian. Coined the phrase “Non mais allô, quoi ?” Impassioned on the subject of shampoo and its relation to gender identity. Sprung to fame after her appearance in Les Anges de la Télé Réalité.
Ayem Nour – Successfully managed the transition from téléréalité to Proper Job In Telly, which elludes many her compatriates. Set up her own charitable association to help children in Gabon. TWIST.
Capucine Anav – Veteran of several reality TV shows. Going out with Louis Sarkozy, the 18yo son of ex-President. Nickname is “The Shrimp” possibly because of her size but, really, who’s to say? Perhaps she is delicious served with rose-marie sauce and iceberg lettuce.
Les Ch’tis & Les Marseillais – Basically Geordie Shore / The Only Way is Essex (I say confidently, having seen neither the UK nor the French shows). You know the drill: preening numpties in swimwear react to fake drama, demand attention, get it.
TV PRESENTERS
The annoyingness of TV presenters has its own scale of measurement called The Kyle Scale. (A 1/10 would be, for example, lovely Wogan; 10/10 is Jeremy Kyle himself.)
L-R: Cyril Lignac, Cyril Hanouna, Stéphane Bern, Laurence Boccolini. See below for photo credits.
Cyril Lignac – Housewife’s favourite telly-chef eye candy. Seemingly mandatory presence on any programme, magazine, book relating to food. Sophie Marceau’s current squeeze. (I know, I was surprised too.)
Cyril Hanouna – Presenter of early evening « Touche pas à mon poste ». Considered by many as cheerleader in the dumbing-down of society. Recently scandalised France by orchestrating the pouring of noodles down an employee’s trousers.
Stéphane Bern – Smiliest man who ever existed. Scientist have not yet proven whether he can frown. Official presenter of anything relating to royalty, which is surprisingly a lot in a republic famed for cutting heads off crown-wearers.
Laurence Boccolini – Presenter of Money Drop and the French version of The Weakest Link. Married to a young man of Greek god-like beauty. Looks like she’d be a laugh in the pub.
ACTRESSES
There are lots of French actresses more famous than these. The ladies below have been specially selected to make you go, “Wait, I know her face, wasn’t she in thingy with whatshisname?” And, yes, she was.
L-R: Léa Seydoux, Mélanie Laurent, Marine Vacth, Clémence Poésy. See below for photo credits.
Léa Seydoux – Famous for her role in ‘Blue is the Warmest Colour’. She claimed to have been exploited during the filming, citing an example of one lesbian sex scene taking TEN DAYS to film. The heterosexual male director probably wanted to get it just right. Because of art.
Mélanie Laurent – You know this one… Oh, ok: Quentin Tarantino…
Marine Vacth – Big breakthrough was starring in ‘Jeune et Jolie’ which her teenage character voluntarily becomes a prostitute. Because that’s a thing that happens outside male masturbatory fantasies, uh-huh.
Clémence Poésy – Do you give in yet? Ok, a hint: Harry Potter…
ACTORS
Grown men paid to dress up and play pretend. Crazy but true.
L-R: Omar Sy, Dany Boon, Jean Dujardin, Jamel Debbouze. See below for photo credits.
Omar Sy – France’s black actor! Appeared in The Intouchables which everyone loved except my mother-in-law. Seriously, don’t get her started.
Dany Boon – Wrote/directed/starred in France’s most successful film, Les Ch’tis – a word I cannot, just cannot spell without checking.
Jean Dujardin – AKA the one you’ve heard of. France’s black and white George Clooney.
Jamel Debbouze – Little-known fact: used to be puppet, like Pinocchio, but became human.
POLITICS
Politics happens literally all over the world and this includes France. Below are some people famous for being involved in “showbusiness for ugly people.”
L-R: François Hollande, Nathalie Kosciusko-Morizet, Marine Le Pen, Anne Hidalgo. See below for photo credits.
François Hollande – Cuddly-wuddly president with adorable baby cheeks.
Nathalie Kosciusko-Morizet Like Lord Voldemort, her name is unsayable. Currently Vice-President of The Républicains, a thrash metal guitar band.
Marine Le Pen – Somewhere a high school is missing an angry repressed gym teacher. Probably starts sentences with « I’m not being racist but… »
Anne Hidalgo – This is funny, I once thought she was an ex-tennis player! Wait, no, that isn’t funny. Maybe you had to be there. (Asks person who was also there) Actually, no, you have to be me to find it funny. She’s Paris’ mayor.
PEOPLE THE YOUTH OF TODAY LIKE
Young people, eh? Nowadays they aren’t satisfied with adoring people on the telly or the radio, they have to get all modern and like people on the Internet. Which for me is like being a fan of the paperclip from Windows Office circa 1998.
L-R: Kev Adams, Norman Thavaut, Kendji Girac, Louane Emera. See below for photo credits.
Kev Adams – Human-shaped manling with hair. Comedian/actor.
Norman Thavaut – Some people use YouTube to watch old pop videos from the 90s with slightly dewy eyes but others – smartarses – make videos that are actually kinda funny and get millions of fans out of it. It’s all about choices.
Kendji Girac – Puppy-eyed dream puppet in the style of Justin Bieber/every other teenboy star. Won The Voice season 3.
Louane Emera – The only female on a list of the 10 favourite stars of the 7-14 age group, which made me sad. Participated in The Voice season 2.
Photo Credits.
Nabilla Benattia by Stéphane Chiche is licensed under CC BY 3.0
Cyril Lignac by Arthur Delloye is licensed under CC BY 4.0
Cyril Hanouna by Julien Morvan is licensed under CC BY 3.0
Stéphane Bern by Denis Probst is licensed under CC BY 3.0
Léa Seydoux / Marine Vacth / Ayem Nour / Clémence Poésy / Dany Boon / Jamel Debbouze / Kev Adams / Norman Thavaut / Louane Emera by Georges Biard is licensed under CC BY 3.0
Mélanie Laurent by Bev Moser is licensed under CC BY 3.0
Omar Sy by Gage Skidmore is licensed under CC by 2.0
Jean Dujardin by Hartcourt Paris is licensed under CC BY 2.5
François Hollande by Marie-Lan Nguyen is licensed under CC by 2.5
Nathalie Kosciusko-Morizet / Marine Le Pen / Anne Hildago by Marie-Lan Nguyen is licensed under CC BY 3.0
