There’s a new boulangerie in town and goddamnit it’s good. I had a raspberry crumble tart from there that tasted so good it actually made me very emotional, the way great art can. And so, inspired, I’ve put together an overview of some classic French pâtisserie treats. 

Opéra

An opéra is like a tiny chocolate and coffee-flavoured lasagne, with alternating layers of deliciousness: first almond sponge soaked in coffee syrup, followed by with  coffee buttercream, then chocolate ganache. Repeat the layers, then top it off with some glossy chocolate icing.  Think tiramisu but that hasn’t been diluted by cream, making it as rich and intense as Tom Cruise. 

Tarte au citron

The searing smack of citrus followed by the luscious filling makes it a bit like being slapped then given a big snog. The yellow topping, like the best bottoms, has a pleasing wobble. Many come with a meringue topping which is not something I personally yearn for but am never unhappy to have, like free water in Ubers or dinner with a cousin. The best bit, for me, in all tarts is the pastry, which should be golden, lightly sweet, rich with butter and crumble biscuit-like when bitten into. 

Eclairs

I sort of think that whoever invented these really wanted to eat the crème pâtissière filling and icing by themselves but thought doing so would make them look greedy/depressed – like the equivalent of squirting cream in your mouth direct from the can – so instead used the lightest, airiest pastry possible to hold it all together. And I’m not complaining, it was a genius idea.  The choux pastry is really just a conduit for pumping delicious custard and sugar into your face in as elegant a manner possible.

Paris-Brest

Famously this cake, created to celebrate the Paris-Brest cycle race, is in the shape of a bike wheel. So round, then, like virtually all cakes ever. Still, points for a good story. 

The Paris-Brest, like the éclair, is made using choux pastry which is sliced and filled with crème mousseline. And how do you make crème mousseline?  By adding butter to crème patissière. I’m not kidding. That’s like rubbing goose fat onto a whale. And we don’t stop there because then you add ground praline (aka sugar and nuts) to the mixture because at this point why not? Sprinkle toasted flaked almonds and icing sugar on top and you have yourself treat in store.

Religieuse 

Does this look like someone tried to make a snowman out of éclairs to you? Essentially, this is a novelty cake but instead of being a snowman, it’s a nun. No, really – squint and you’ll see it. Don’t believe me? The clue is in the name: “religieuse” is French for “nun”.  Inside the choux balls, you have crème pat flavoured with chocolate or coffee, then covered with ganache; the head is stuck to the body with buttercream. 

Fraisière

This cake looks like it was designed to be served to the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland.  On first sight it seems elaborate to the point of being bonkers, yet on closer inspection we see that it’s essentially a fancy cake sandwich. Two discs of light sponge cake (the kind made sans beurre) are held together by our pal crème moussiline with halved strawberries around the circumference. Top it off with a jaunty layer of marzipan and there you have a dessert fit for a queen. 

Millefeuille

Is it possible to eat a millefeuille without squelching cream out at every angle? I suspect the name (“thousand sheets”) refers to the number of tissues you need to clean yourself up after eating one. It’s another sweet sandwich but I’m not complaining. In this case, three rectangles of puff pastry encase crème patisserie, then there’s a thick layer of icing on top. Often you’ll get fresh fruit in with the creamy filling, too, for maximum eating-chaos. 

Baba au rhum

You that feeling you get when you’re eating a cream bun and think, “Not bad, but it needs more hard alcohol”? Well, this here is the cake for you! What we have is an bun that’s been soaked in rum-infused syrup, then squirted with cream. If someone asked a pirate and a clown to come up with a cake, this is what they’d make.

Macarons

Macarons are dinky, adorable sweet treats that look like buttons on a jolly elf’s waistcoat. You can buy them in fancy boxes from Ladurée to give as classy gifts. We all love ’em. Except. Except that they aren’t huge – and that’s a problem for me.  Thankfully, French pâtisseries have a solution and that’s big macarons – the size of a scone – filled with fresh fruit and crème patisserie. These aren’t the gift kind, these are the eat yourself right here and now, and isn’t that better?